Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I cried at yoga today

Just a little.
Who does that? I feel like a freak.
This is why I run. Given the opportunity to be still, breathe, and be present in the moment with myself without the labored breathing of running, I am susceptible to completely falling apart. Just lately. Not always, don't worry.
I managed to get a grip within moments but it totally caught me off guard. We were just about finished so I was quite relaxed. After doing a little bit of core work we grabbed our bent legs, forming a ball with our body, and that little self hug unraveled me a little. It found a crack in the armor that I've been wearing so I can get through my days lately.
Do you ever feel like this?
I'm not typically like this. In fact, my glass is normally 99% full, which is annoying to the glass half-full folks out there. But...it's just been this way for a few weeks. I'm totally swamped at work, not getting enough sleep (like 4 hours last night due to working late again but I keep hearing my abuela, "i never felt sorry for someone who had a job" in my head so suck it up), trying to hold the house & tot together, and barely holding off the plantar fasciitis so I can get some short runs in.
If it weren't for these 3 mile runs I'm doing, I am pretty sure I would lose my shit. I really need running for my sanity and at stressful times like this it's especially critical, which makes dealing with an injury all the more painful from an emotional perspective.
So back to the yoga thing. I recognize that it is unhealthy to be teetering on the edge to the point where any bit of mental relaxation causes a flood of emotion. I know I shouldn't be so wound up and I'm not typically like this (am I?), but I just don't have the time to process everything that's going on.
Moms - are you picking up what I'm putting down? Is your train on the same track? Like, it's all you can do to just get through each day to get the necessities taken care of at home as well as get work-work taken care of (I'm balancing about 5 projects right now with deadlines between yesterday and next Thursday and not enough hours to get it all taken care of) such that there is no time to think about what is going on inside. No time to process the truly important things that need to be dealt with. Oh yeah, and there's that paper I'm supposed to write by the end of Sept. for submission to a journal for publication...that I haven't started yet.
I really wasn't going to mention this on the blog but at this point, I'm just breaking down and I need to let it out. My Master Plan for 2012 was to have a baby, #2. Self-proclaimed in January. Well, I'm dealing with miscarriage #2 right now instead of baby #2 and it's...frustrating, heart breaking, disappointing, sad, and more. I know it can happen and try not to blame my age but I know I need to be patient. I know others have gone through this and more. In the grand scheme of things, I know I am fortunate and I am thankful for all I have and know that others are dealing with much more difficult things right now.
But this, combined with all the work shit, a 3-yr old who is acting up & will not under any circumstances apologize (any tips on this? we had to leave block party early tonight because he refused to apologize for pushing a kid down), lack of sleep, and fear that Master Plan 2012 won't happen at all...
It can make you lose your shit in yoga if you're not on guard, keeping it all tight & locked up. I think I need a day to just be sad & process so I can move on. Maybe this blog post is it.
Ok, taking a deep breath now.
Time to get back on VPN so I can get some work-work done and try to get to bed before midnight tonight.
Talking the self down:
Work will calm down, I just need to take it one day at a time.
My plantar fasciitis will pass and I'll eventually be able to have longer therapy sessions with Dr. Brooks on the Seattle roads.
And maybe once I can chill out & remember to breathe, the Master Plan 2012 (or 2013) will come together at the right time that just isn't right now.


  1. Wow, you really have been dealing with a lot of stressful and upsetting things recently. I know how draining long-term injury can be, as well as working long hours and parenting a tricky child. Add to that the loss of a baby, and it's no wonder you are feeling down.

    It sounds as though you are trying to keep everything together and keep going, but perhaps you need to take some time to yourself to indulge your feelings. Give yourself a break - you are dealing with some really tough situations all at once.

    You don't have to be so strong all the time! Take care, and I wish you every success with your Masterplan 2012.

  2. Agree with Liz! And I totally get the breakdown thing. My job isn't stressful, but there is still never enough time to get *anything* done. I'm never organized enough. The house is never clean enough. Yesterday, we found tons of ants on the floor - upstairs WTH?!? Between trying to cook dinner and the toddler needing attention and me being exhausted and then ants...if I were in yoga, I'd be breaking down too.

    I don't know how to fix things and make them better, but I think finding little ways to take some "you" time in the midst of chaos is all we can do. You do need time to process and I think you are doing a good job using the outlets that you have and the time you have (yoga, blogging). Things will get better.

    I'm so sorry for you loss. Masterplans have a way of coming together though - even if it isn't on the schedule that we forsee.

  3. Alma I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this on top of the grief of a miscarriage. I hope your break is coming soon so you can rest and take care of yourself. (((Hug)))

  4. Alma I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this on top of the grief of a miscarriage. I hope your break is coming soon so you can rest and take care of yourself. (((Hug)))

  5. Damn. I am sorry beyond words. I was hoping your stress was just work related.

  6. Oh, Alma! :( Sending you lots of virtual love. Sounds like you are juggling a lot.

  7. Oh Alma... I'm not even sure where to begin. What I really want to do is give you a hug.

    Sending you an email...

  8. I wish I had something profound to say that would make you feel better. It sounds like you need to give yourself some time to grieve. Sometimes people try to brush off a miscarriage, but it is a real and painful loss. You have my sympathies.
    In my experience, age 3 can be much more "terrible" than 2. Standing your ground, leaving parties, and doling out appropriate consequences are pretty much all you can do. And be grateful he's not a biter. :)

  9. Oh where to start. I’ve cried in yoga more than once. it’s something about letting it all go. the exhaustion of “wearing a happy face.” i lately have stopped and cried on runs. totally not normal. but i am exhausted. and I don’t have a child. so i can’t imagine work on top of that. and i am so, so sorry about the miscarriage. it’s okay to grieve that. and you need to. but you are right, if it’s in the “big plan that we really can’t control” then it will happen. if not, then that is the plan.

    i finally had to tell myself that i am not saving the world at work and it sure as hell won’t be on my tombstone when i die so I will do what i can do. period.

  10. Alma I am very sorry to read this. A miscarriage just is awful. First you are so happy with the pregnancy and then it's over. So unfair. When I had mine I can remember being mad if people didn't say something but then running/hiding if I saw someone who might say something. I didn't make sense at all but that was how it was. My heart is with you. Take care.

  11. Alma, sending you lots of love and hugs --- its terrible when everything in life seems so out of control at once. I also run to keep my head clear cause sometimes in those super relaxed silent moments life can be a touch overwhelming. Hang in there I am sending happy lovely thoughts your way.

  12. Damn lady :(

    I cry at weird times. And I'm normally not a crying type, ever. When crisis hits, I'm stone faced and focused. Today, I stopped at a red light, and Break Me (Evan, of course) came on, and puddle of tears. No real reason.

    It happens.

    So sorry, friend :(

  13. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers your way:) I have felt that sudden urge to cry before. Totally normal especially when you are so stressed. One day at a time:) things will get better.

  14. Big hugs, Alma. Yoga seems to be the shit-losing place as I'm guilty of that as well. So sorry things are crazy right now. My heart breaks for you on your loss. Never an easy thing. Wishing you comfort and peace.

  15. Oh Alma. Yes, yes, yes, been there/are there right now. I'm sorry for the miscarriages, so sorry. The only tips I have for the 3 year old are to find out what their currency is and take it away. My daughter loved her "puppy" and when she acted up I did 1,2,3 magic with her and the consequence was always the dog getting taken away. She straightened out pretty fast but she still is a trying little girl looking for attention. It's hard being a parent. ( HUGS!! )

  16. Oh wow, that is a lot you have to deal with. It's good to write about it and to let your emotions out, It is totally ok to feel sad and frustrated and upset and angry, let it out and you will feel so much better. The worst for me is to try to avoid dealing with it and then it builds up and then it just gets worse every day. Take your time. I hope everything works out for you and your family!

  17. How did I miss this? I am so sorry friend. I am praying for you.