Just a little.
Who does that? I feel like a freak.
This is why I run. Given the opportunity to be still, breathe, and be present in the moment with myself without the labored breathing of running, I am susceptible to completely falling apart. Just lately. Not always, don't worry.
I managed to get a grip within moments but it totally caught me off guard. We were just about finished so I was quite relaxed. After doing a little bit of core work we grabbed our bent legs, forming a ball with our body, and that little self hug unraveled me a little. It found a crack in the armor that I've been wearing so I can get through my days lately.
Do you ever feel like this?
I'm not typically like this. In fact, my glass is normally 99% full, which is annoying to the glass half-full folks out there. But...it's just been this way for a few weeks. I'm totally swamped at work, not getting enough sleep (like 4 hours last night due to working late again but I keep hearing my abuela, "i never felt sorry for someone who had a job" in my head so suck it up), trying to hold the house & tot together, and barely holding off the plantar fasciitis so I can get some short runs in.
If it weren't for these 3 mile runs I'm doing, I am pretty sure I would lose my shit. I really need running for my sanity and at stressful times like this it's especially critical, which makes dealing with an injury all the more painful from an emotional perspective.
So back to the yoga thing. I recognize that it is unhealthy to be teetering on the edge to the point where any bit of mental relaxation causes a flood of emotion. I know I shouldn't be so wound up and I'm not typically like this (am I?), but I just don't have the time to process everything that's going on.
Moms - are you picking up what I'm putting down? Is your train on the same track? Like, it's all you can do to just get through each day to get the necessities taken care of at home as well as get work-work taken care of (I'm balancing about 5 projects right now with deadlines between yesterday and next Thursday and not enough hours to get it all taken care of) such that there is no time to think about what is going on inside. No time to process the truly important things that need to be dealt with. Oh yeah, and there's that paper I'm supposed to write by the end of Sept. for submission to a journal for publication...that I haven't started yet.
I really wasn't going to mention this on the blog but at this point, I'm just breaking down and I need to let it out. My Master Plan for 2012 was to have a baby, #2. Self-proclaimed in January. Well, I'm dealing with miscarriage #2 right now instead of baby #2 and it's...frustrating, heart breaking, disappointing, sad, and more. I know it can happen and try not to blame my age but I know I need to be patient. I know others have gone through this and more. In the grand scheme of things, I know I am fortunate and I am thankful for all I have and know that others are dealing with much more difficult things right now.
But this, combined with all the work shit, a 3-yr old who is acting up & will not under any circumstances apologize (any tips on this? we had to leave block party early tonight because he refused to apologize for pushing a kid down), lack of sleep, and fear that Master Plan 2012 won't happen at all...
It can make you lose your shit in yoga if you're not on guard, keeping it all tight & locked up. I think I need a day to just be sad & process so I can move on. Maybe this blog post is it.
Ok, taking a deep breath now.
Time to get back on VPN so I can get some work-work done and try to get to bed before midnight tonight.
Talking the self down:
Work will calm down, I just need to take it one day at a time.
My plantar fasciitis will pass and I'll eventually be able to have longer therapy sessions with Dr. Brooks on the Seattle roads.
And maybe once I can chill out & remember to breathe, the Master Plan 2012 (or 2013) will come together at the right time that just isn't right now.